Let me try my own strength.

Next week we're meeting with hospice. Probably should have been called in ages ago. But we didn't. So I should no more about that next week.

My Dad is amazing. He showers my mom with kisses. He makes her feel safe when she can't understand whats going on. He's patient and kind. Tells her she's pretty. Because he thinks she's gorgeous. Husbands of the world you are on notice. bar has been set very very high.

Tonight we tried to help mom up from the bed and she tried to push us away, while at the same time, hanging on to us. "Let me try my own strength," she managed. We obliged and took a half step back and mom immediately dropped. We caught her, but that may be it for walking.

It's definitely it for contact lenses. I can put her contacts in her eyes, but I need her to get them out. Tonight her hand almost didn't have the strength to pop them out. So that's it for that.

Mom doesn't make a lot of sense right now. She's not always able to tell the difference between dreaming and real life. According to Dad, she's started talking again about going home to Jesus. Amy, Ken and baby Kiran come in the 18th. Twelve days.

A pastor friend of mine met with me about a month or so ago. I told her lately the only scripture I can stand is "Be strong and courageous," from Joshua 1. She said, "yeah but the other side is Be Weak and Dependent." She said the "be still and know means" to not try to do it on our own; to be weak and dependent. I don't know exactly where it is, but I think Paul talks about His (Jesus') strength is made perfect in our weakness. Now honestly I'm not sure what I believe during all of this. Most of scripture makes me angry, (Psalm 147 excepting). Last time I went to church it was really really good about Jesus fighting our giants for us. And that made me angry. SO I don't know. I don't know where Christ is in all of this, I don't know what I'm supposed to believe or say or do. I find it hard to trust right now.  I just know we have a lot of weakness over here and we're going to need a lot of strength. So if it's true that Christ's strength is perfect when we are at our weakest, then I hope that means strength will find us these next few weeks.