Calmer Days

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me today. I'm kind of embarrassed about falling apart last night. I was terrified the night would be much worse than it was. Fortunately, the medicines and the many fervent prayers are keeping Mom comfortable. As I said, she slept through the night and her rasping got better rather quickly. We are administering morphine on a regular schedule; it keeps her calm. It was hard last night because she had some phlegm or fluid right in the back of her throat and she just couldn't cough it up or clear it out. And I could tell she was just so much in discomfort. She was also exhibiting a fever and our efforts to medicate it to bring it down seem to make things worse. But we did cool compresses and the atropine which cleared up most of the phlegm and the morphine which is keeping her much more comfortable.

My anxiety started really building yesterday afternoon. There were so many people around and mom was clearly getting worse. And on Monday, I just knew she probably wouldn't last but a few days. I've been grateful for more time with her, but I haven't paced my internal resources I guessed. So yesterday, I started feeling very strained. Then to see her so uncomfortable kind of pushed me over into despair-land.

My aunt has said several times that my grandmother always told her "You can handle anything if you get your rest." Which is what my Aunt was trying to give me by letting me sleep last night. And they are both right. Today I feel much stronger, much more able to handle anything. Particularly now that mom seems more comfortable. I've again done her make-up, so she looks fresh and still lovely. The nurse came and acknowledged, yes, there are more signs that she's declining, but that we're doing a good job of taking care of her. She also mentioned when she met mom on Monday, she also didn't think she'd still be with us today on Friday. But it's possible mom has a few more days with us still. So we're dug in for the long haul. Again, thanks for everything. I'm sorry for freaking everyone out. But it's been very nice to hear all the encouragement. :)