Swallowed Up in Life

I wrote this right after mom's funeral  (September 2012). But I didn't post it because it seemed insensitive if other people who were grieving were not feeling the same way. But yesterday was Resurrection Sunday. The sermon echoed a song I love on Sara Bareilles' new album. And both reminded me of this post about the awareness that life is a gift. Why would we want to merely exist when we have the chance to really LIVE!!!! I'm really quite proud that I still feel this way about life and I HAVE lived with a lot less Worry and Fear and Doubt. So here it is. The song, with lyrics, is at the bottom of the screen. 

"How are you doing?"

It's the question I get asked the most these days. Which is completely understandable, but there's no quick or easy way to answer it.

The truth is I've been pretty functional. I think my biggest problem is that I've been trying to feel more sad than I actually feel.  Of course I am sad. But it's not the soul crushing sadness that I anticipated. I'm kind of ok. Which has been worrying me.

One reason for this is because I'm sure I am still in the denial stage of grief. It is completely inconceivable that Sharon Cron no longer exists. It feels like she's in the next room or a phone call away.  Even when I tell people she's passed away it sounds like I'm delivering a line in a play or skit, not telling the truth. I know that it is true, but it doesn't make sense. So I think I am still in shock and a bit of denial. But there is also something else going on.

A friend of mine reminded me that I've been grieving for months. Each time we went into the hospital, each week that she got weaker, I had to get on board with the new normal. And each time that happened, we all died a little bit. And Mom hated Death. She wasn't scared of it. She hated that Death robbed you of living. She was so frustrated that her body wouldn't let her live the dynamic life she had always lived. She consumed life! And she had little patience for those who didn't. One of the last huge fights we had centered around this very idea. I desperately wanted her to stay home and rest and she unequivocally refused. She was going to a family event and we could come along if we cared to. It didn't matter that car rides made her sick or that she could barely sit up, let alone stand on her own power, she would not yield to Death that day.

My mom never had much tact. During visitation and at the funeral, I heard great stories of my mom. A few of them were laughing about my mother saying something completely insensitive to them. Her words had come from a place of wanting to help, but she had no clue how people would take things. Like the two women, who don't know each other, who each told me a story of mom declaring that they should start buying better bras. (yes that's right, two women). A perfect example:  one of my many cousins lost her own mother in the past twelve months and mom traveled to be at the funeral. As my cousin hung back at the grave staring at the ground where her mother's body had been lowered and covered with dirt, taking a few extra moments before turning back and facing a life without her parent, my mother impatiently barked, "That's not her! She's no longer in there, let's go!" The way Sharon saw it, Aunt Helen was laughing, dancing, and partying with angels and relatives who had gone on before. So what sense did it make to keep staring at the ground?? No matter how many times I told her, you can't say things like that to people, she still said things like that to people. But that's how she saw it.

Jim Davis, the pastor at Mom's funeral, quoted 2 Corinthians 5:4 "For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life." "Meaning," he said, "that Sharon is more alive right now than she ever was before her death." (Batten down the hatches, Heaven). But it is SO true! Before Death in its finality comes for any of us, it steals from us in the form of Fear and Doubt and Worry. Right now, Mom is perfect and without any Fear or Doubt or Worry. And when she takes a break from the laughing and dancing and singing she's doing with the angles and the relatives that have gone before; when she checks in on me, she's going to be so furious if she finds me still staring at the ground. 

When Mom passed through the membrane of Death and all that was mortal got swallowed up in LIFE, she took Death with her. I guess what I'm saying is: now that Death is no longer a houseguest, it's fair to do some living again. So I'm going to. I'm going to make plans and then do those plans. I'm going to hang out with friends and go to concerts. I'm going to travel and love and laugh and dance and sing. I'm not going to let Fear and Doubt and Worry get any easy victories. I know I have a road of grief to walk out and I will do that as honestly as I can.  But my mother lived vibrantly and the best way to honor my mother is to live as vibrantly as I can! So yeah. I'm doing ok. 



"And the gift of my heartbeat sounds like a symphony....."