Ever feel like Abraham or someone is looking down on you and pretty much thinks you're a big pansy?
I love my bed. It's ridiculously comfortable. I pile it high with duvets and comforters. I have very soft sheets and cushy pillows. Its a queen and I use the whole real estate. Sometimes, if I find myself sleeping on one side more than the other, I will purposefully move over. See how the other half lives. About a year ago, after griping for several years about needing one, I bought a great rounded-top headboard for it that's soft and suede-y. I love to look at it. I love to crawl into it. It's my big-girl bed. And even more than my apartment, it's home.
Y'know how most of us try to be good people but deep deep down in places we don't talk about, we know we really aren't? My heart kinda leapt when I thought I had figured out a way not to get rid of my bed. "I can sell all my OTHER worldly possessions and be considered a saint for doing so AND I can keep my bed! Winner! This girl!" (The irony of being self-seeking for being thought of as self-denying is recognized). But now it seems that I might actually have to get rid of EVERYTHING, including my bed. And the little anchor of security running from me to knowing, well at least I'll have my bed.... Gah! I don't even want to finish this paragraph because its so frustrating that giving this up is hard! I'm excited to let go of everything else: my tv, my car!, my phone, hundreds of books, dozens of DVDs, tons and tons of stuff. But giving up my bed is causing me some pain. And that is stupid! It's nothing compared to the sacrifices demanded of people of faith who have gone before me. And the obvious lesson is my security does not need to be in my stuff. And I get it and I'm on board and I will sell or give up my bed. Of course I will. But it will suck!
It's about this time that well meaning people will either try to figure out a way for me to keep what I want, or think I'm awesome for giving it up. But the truth is My Boss (Jesus) is asking me to do something I don't want to do and its not even that big of a deal except that I'm making it one. This is the behavior of a toddler.
This is my Self. This is the fleshy part of my autonomy that doesn't want to die. And it has to. This is what I signed up for as a Christian. And definitely what I signed up for in going to Brazil. And if the bed is one of those things that's in between Him and me.... then it goes. Cause He's awesome. And He's worth the sacrifice. And He will provide and take care of me. I know all this.
It's just annoying. I'm annoyed with myself for being annoyed.
(this is not my actual bed, just a mental image of what it feels like. mmmm, cozy)
Y'know how most of us try to be good people but deep deep down in places we don't talk about, we know we really aren't? My heart kinda leapt when I thought I had figured out a way not to get rid of my bed. "I can sell all my OTHER worldly possessions and be considered a saint for doing so AND I can keep my bed! Winner! This girl!" (The irony of being self-seeking for being thought of as self-denying is recognized). But now it seems that I might actually have to get rid of EVERYTHING, including my bed. And the little anchor of security running from me to knowing, well at least I'll have my bed.... Gah! I don't even want to finish this paragraph because its so frustrating that giving this up is hard! I'm excited to let go of everything else: my tv, my car!, my phone, hundreds of books, dozens of DVDs, tons and tons of stuff. But giving up my bed is causing me some pain. And that is stupid! It's nothing compared to the sacrifices demanded of people of faith who have gone before me. And the obvious lesson is my security does not need to be in my stuff. And I get it and I'm on board and I will sell or give up my bed. Of course I will. But it will suck!
It's about this time that well meaning people will either try to figure out a way for me to keep what I want, or think I'm awesome for giving it up. But the truth is My Boss (Jesus) is asking me to do something I don't want to do and its not even that big of a deal except that I'm making it one. This is the behavior of a toddler.
(my inner toddler)
This is my Self. This is the fleshy part of my autonomy that doesn't want to die. And it has to. This is what I signed up for as a Christian. And definitely what I signed up for in going to Brazil. And if the bed is one of those things that's in between Him and me.... then it goes. Cause He's awesome. And He's worth the sacrifice. And He will provide and take care of me. I know all this.
It's just annoying. I'm annoyed with myself for being annoyed.
God gave you a departure date on a cartoon billboard; I'm pretty sure he can get you another bed. BTW, I have a much better crying toddler picture if you ever need one again. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh for heaven's sake, how can we be going through the same emotions?? Your inner toddler and mine look just alike. I have been grieving the loss of "life as I knew it" ever since my knee replacement. This week someone gave me the vision I needed to embrace -- Joan of Arc, strapping on her armor, picking up her sword, and being cheered on by the great cloud of witnesses. But I'm keeping your weeping toddler picture to remind me of where I've spent the last few weeks. Love you, Sojourner!
ReplyDeleteFirst, we have the same image of what our beds feel like!! Second, the Lord asked me to relinquish my 14 yr senior fashion design career nearly two years ago, so I think I can relate about being annoyed- about being annoyed :/ And lastly, your inner toddler & my inner toddler should schedule a play date soon!!! I love you Corrie Cron!! I'm so proud to be your friend :) XOX...
ReplyDeleteAyup, I can relate. Without even trying! :)
ReplyDelete