Puzzling Life Out

I'm experiencing some things that I thought for a long time were just me and my own personal failings. One of the positives to come out of the pandemic is so many people sharing their struggles with depression and anxiety and life changes. I wish we could have started to normalize these struggles without losing nearly 1 million people in our country, but that's a different blog post. (Get vaccinated and wear your masks!)

Leaving international aid was the right decision for me. I know that, but the struggle to find a new job and potentially a new career, learning a new work culture that should be my own but isn't, not having enough money to live in American no matter what job I get, these are all very valid anxieties that I'm currently dealing with. I know I'll get through, but my procrastination and dread of getting what I want (let me know if you understand that one) is making me feel like i'm moving through molasses. I need to find a job yet somehow can't make myself sit down and job search. I need to get certification in a specific skill yet can't seem to make myself sit down and complete the 30-hour course. What's wrong with me? These are things I WANT to do to achieve the things I WANT in life. 

Many self help people will yell that you got to want it and stop babying yourself and you got to go hard to win hard. They may say, I'll never be a success if I'm not willing to wake up at 5 am to win the day. Who knows maybe they are right. But yelling at me has never produced anything. It's why I don't do spinning. Don't fucking yell at me. 

What has helped is puzzling. I like puzzles. Up until recently I have only done them here or there. Like on a vacation or something. I remember a few years ago while visiting my sister she got out this beautiful wooden puzzle. The picture was a Monet, I believe, and the pieces themselves were beautiful, laser cut creations. But it was a hard puzzle. My sister is naturally gifted and I remember my own irritation and actually getting mad at her for finding connections and putting sections together! Such a stupid thing to get mad about. This year, she got Dad a similar puzzle, a Chagal, and I started working on it. It was hard. But I told myself, you don't have to accomplish anything. You just sit at the table. Look at the pieces. If you fit nothing together, it's ok because looking at the pieces is your whole job. Of course I found pieces that fit together here and there. Organized by color or section. And finally whole quadrants of the puzzle started connecting. At that point it was hard to walk away and soon, I was fitting the last piece into it's slot. 

I'm trying the same approach to these areas of my life that need attention. Just sit at the computer. Look at the pieces. I'll see something that will spark something and eventually progress. I'm not lazy, I'm not stupid. I am dealing with depression and anxiety and big life changes and lots of uncertainty. My depression and anxiety looks different that someone else's. This method may work for me (until it doesn't). Someone else may not be able to even sit at the table. 

My hope, my prayer is that there is grace for all of us. In this time where everything is hard, everything is broken and ruined. When getting through the day seems very hard. I hope there is still grace for all of us. Even if I create that grace for myself. 

So, you aren't lazy. You aren't stupid. And you aren't crazy. This is really hard and you are standing up under crushing weight. You're enough. Just as you are. You're just puzzling it out.