This Is Why I Can't Have Church Right Now!

So last time I talked about how I've started coming out from under the dark angry cloud. My hate-spirals have dulled to general numbness, perforated by moments of actual happiness. A couple of times, I've gone back to church and it was lovely. However, mostly I like sleeping. So those trips to church have been sporadic.

But a couple things have happened lately to plop me right back down in that Hate-Spiral. So let's talk about Faith for a minute here. I will try to get through this post without swearing like a French sailor, but I cannot promise too. Also, I state this in advance, I'm not spouting doctrine here. There's a very good chance that in years to come I will look back on where I am now and with a very different perspective, see why I was in this place. But right now, I'm just here.  So, if you are already preparing your cute little Pinterest-worthy scripture quotes or sayings or other spiritual band-aids, do me a favor and save them for the newbies. I've heard them all. They don't bring comfort. Nothing about faith, religion, or Christianity brings comfort right now. It brings anger.

Lately, I've been living a bit as an agnostic. By choice. I have not changed the tenants of faith. When I go to church, we recite the Nicene Creed and I have no arguments with anything in it. I believe there is one true God, that Jesus is his son, that God sent Jesus to earth where he shared what the Kingdom of Heaven is like as best he could to our very tiny, barely used human brains. Then died for us anyway because there was no other way to be reconciled to God our Creator. I believe he sent us the Holy Spirit so we could have relationship with God and I believe there is a spiritual or supernatural existence that at best some are barely aware of and hardly understand.  I believe the Grace of God is the deepest mystery the universe has ever known and I certainly don't get it.

And I'm so angry at Him that I can't talk to Him. By choice, I don't really pray, or read scripture (unless I make it to a service). I don't read Christian books or go to classes or have church friends. I've started dating and I don't care what they believe. In fact, I prefer the ones who either have a loose faith or no faith at all. I like people with a dark side, with a chip on their shoulder and a bit of an attitude. Those people I can talk to. Those people get it.

Years ago,  I read one of those There Is No God books by a leading atheist author at the time. Maybe it was just my personal reaction, but all I heard while reading it was how angry this guy was that God didn't exist. It's like God failed him by not existing. At the time, I scoffed at that perspective. Now, I kind of get it. I know the feeling. It feels like Betrayal.

Now I know you're going to rush in and say "God has not and will not forsaken or abandon you;" "God has a plan to prosper you and not to harm you;" "All God's promises are 'Yes' and 'Amen'!"  Or look at Christ! God turned his back on him, he went through dark times, but God didn't actually betray him. Or look at Abraham and Sarah! Everything they went through?

Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's look at Abraham and Sarah. God comes to Abraham's tent and tells him he's going to have a son with his wife Sarah. Both of them were freaking old. Too old to have kids. Sarah could never have kids and in a culture and time where a woman's glory and power were in her ability to give birth, she probably had to either make peace with her lot in life or just stayed in an angry, bitter place about it. Maybe she too went a bit numb just to not want to hit everything and everyone in the face all the time. Then God comes by and says she will have a child. I don't think she laughed like she heard a funny joke. I think she laughed like, "Are you effing kidding me? You're going to stir up THAT hope? Really?!" I think she was pissed as hell and then when TWENTY-THREE FREAKING YEARS go by of Abraham wandering around the house going "Are you pregnant yet? God says you're going to get pregnant!",  she finally said, "You know what? He didn't mean me. He said it, but clearly, he got caught up in the moment and was showing off! Or maybe I'm not doing something right and I can't fulfill this thing you want so badly! And I'm tired of hoping! And I'm tired of believing in something that is NOT happening. He didn't mean me! So just go frigging sleep with Hagar and leave me the hell alone." Then of course Hagar gets pregnant right away (the bitch) and it's more than Sarah can take. It's confirmation that she's the problem and she finally drives Hagar and Ishmael away. And we look at Sarah with such derision for her choices. If only she had held out a little bit longer! She had the promise of God! Why didn't she believe??

Because it hurt too damn much.

God came around 23 years ago, put his finger on a damn nerve and then disappeared. And in those 23 years, he stayed ridiculously silent. He disappeared. He left. He was a pot-stirrer and then he left. And yes, He was testing her faith. And yes He's God, so He can do whatever He wants. And yes, it's different now because we have the holy spirit when God can't sit in our tent all the time. And since I know that Sarah did eventually HAVE a son, I'm supposed to look at her example as unbelief.  But instead, I look at her example as this is also who God is. He is a God who can put his finger on the VERY thing you want and finds it more beneficial not to give it to you. Or to wait FOR FREAKING EVER until you're convinced that YOU are the problem. Obviously, there is something wrong with you that this promise isn't manifesting in your life. OBVIOUSLY, you are self-sabotaging. Obviously, you have to figure this out for yourself (which then, obviously, is wrong and considered lack of faith). Of course, if and when he does give it to you, he then asks you to kill it with a knife. So actually, I don't want to hear right now that all God's promises are "Yes" and "Amen".  It seems a hell of a lot of his promises are "Wait" and then "Kill it with a knife". And perhaps I'm making some "sleep with Hagar" decisions. But I'm tired of hoping. And I'm tired of believing in something that is NOT happening. I don't think its wrong to be angry in this place. I won't pretend I'm not angry in this place.

I might still believe, under all of this disappointment, that this (time, experience, what have you) will be for my good. Or for other people's good, through me, eventually. I believe that can happen. God, I hope that happens. But I also am acutely aware that following God means having your heart repeatedly broken. Any Christian who hasn't had their heart broken, by God himself, I don't want to talk to. And I don't care about your attitude adjustments or your "Until God opens the door, I'll believe/praise/pray in the hallway!" cross-stitch bullshit. You go right ahead. I'm going to knock down some damn doors.  I'm doing what I need to do to move forward in my life and refrain from punching everything and everyone in the face. THIS is real. THIS is also faith: faith that all this crap is somehow, some day, redeemable; faith that even the agnostic can be used;  and faith that God can handle it.