Bad News First
Today I watched Under the Tuscan Sun. Cried through it actually. but whatever. As the main character writes about buying and renovating a villa in tuscany, I thought how easy it is to write about the amazing when the amazing is all around you.
Obviously I haven't blogged anything in 2 months. I don't know if anyone is still reading this. I don't know if it matters. But it's hard to write and blog and post about the crud. But that's what we must do.
By the end of June, I realized my 90 Day Yoga challenge was folly. I had a feeling when I started that it would be. But whatever. I did try. I still to some classes here and there. And I walk a great deal. But I'm learning that life at this stage cannot be dictated. I'm not the master of my own fate right now. I'm not the Captain of my own ship. I'm a stranded lost soul in a life-raft at the mercy of waves, storms and sharks.
Mom is weaker all the time. A couple of weeks ago, some family members were in from out of town. We all had a great time. She did a lot and went out and visited and laughed and it was great. I had figured out that mom is a textbook extrovert; being around people energizes her. So we've been encouraging visitors and some outings. But after that week, this past week meant a great deal of recuperating. Lots of resting, which she never seems to get enough of. She's tired and out of it a lot more now. Food is another issue. She doesn't eat much. Sometimes it makes her sick. We have a nutrient shake that we try to get down her when all else fails. But I can see her legs and arms shrinking. And that scares me, to be quite honest. It's scary to see such a difference week to week. I don't know what's coming. I don't know how long it will take. I don't know what happens after.
And this is why I don't blog much anymore.
The thing that keeps me up at night, is that I don't know how to have those conversations that I need to have with her while she's here. And mom's been so out of it, I'm not sure she could have them. I'm not really sure what the conversations I should be having are! What does she want for her funeral? Can I start clearing out the garage now? What should we keep? What should we get rid of? Is there anything we don't know that we should?
I don't do this whole thing well. I can mow the lawn and get mom to drink more fluids. I can keep track of insulin and take out the trash. But I don't know how to prepare for Death. And often times I feel like I'm hiding. I should be facing this and focusing and preparing. But I'm not sure how.
Obviously I haven't blogged anything in 2 months. I don't know if anyone is still reading this. I don't know if it matters. But it's hard to write and blog and post about the crud. But that's what we must do.
By the end of June, I realized my 90 Day Yoga challenge was folly. I had a feeling when I started that it would be. But whatever. I did try. I still to some classes here and there. And I walk a great deal. But I'm learning that life at this stage cannot be dictated. I'm not the master of my own fate right now. I'm not the Captain of my own ship. I'm a stranded lost soul in a life-raft at the mercy of waves, storms and sharks.
Mom is weaker all the time. A couple of weeks ago, some family members were in from out of town. We all had a great time. She did a lot and went out and visited and laughed and it was great. I had figured out that mom is a textbook extrovert; being around people energizes her. So we've been encouraging visitors and some outings. But after that week, this past week meant a great deal of recuperating. Lots of resting, which she never seems to get enough of. She's tired and out of it a lot more now. Food is another issue. She doesn't eat much. Sometimes it makes her sick. We have a nutrient shake that we try to get down her when all else fails. But I can see her legs and arms shrinking. And that scares me, to be quite honest. It's scary to see such a difference week to week. I don't know what's coming. I don't know how long it will take. I don't know what happens after.
And this is why I don't blog much anymore.
The thing that keeps me up at night, is that I don't know how to have those conversations that I need to have with her while she's here. And mom's been so out of it, I'm not sure she could have them. I'm not really sure what the conversations I should be having are! What does she want for her funeral? Can I start clearing out the garage now? What should we keep? What should we get rid of? Is there anything we don't know that we should?
I don't do this whole thing well. I can mow the lawn and get mom to drink more fluids. I can keep track of insulin and take out the trash. But I don't know how to prepare for Death. And often times I feel like I'm hiding. I should be facing this and focusing and preparing. But I'm not sure how.
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