New Year New Me

 I don't typically make New Years Resolutions. I think I tried when i was younger but I think they lasted about as long as writing them down and then I would kick myself when of course I didn't keep them. I didn't know then what I know now about myself, that I'm not a self-structured goals person. Now when I need to achieve something I absolutely can and have. I needed to change careers and new I needed Grad School. I decided to restrict my grad school search to those in Europe for many reasons, one being I wanted to live in Europe. I went through a lot of research and hard work and in 2014 moved to Brussels to earn a degree in International Migration. After that I had to put that degree to work and eventually landed my dream job as a humanitarian. I set and achieved my five year goals of becoming a Program Manager for a top organization. I have set and achieved goals. But not resolutions. 

My goals tend to be where I want to go or do next? How can i build on what I've been achieving? Resolutions in the past have been trying to correct or perfect something i don't like about myself. And mostly centered around my weight. Since I was 12 years old I've been considered overweight. That's a long time to be ashamed of your body and to feel like a failure or loser because you don't look the same as your friends. I lived my twenties during the 90s when the waif silhouette was the rage and crop tops were the thing. I didn't hear about body positivity until I was already in my 40s. About the time I asked myself, what if I never lost THE weight. While it's always a point of insecurity for me, I have worked hard to like myself as I am and to not hold myself back because i'm not thin. I've traveled, and dated and had affairs and I wear bikinis at the beach. And I judge myself on what I've accomplished both career-wise and as a friend and family member. It actually took some emotional effort and will to not let my size nullify my achievements. I gave up dieting, especially since most jobs, my food was limited and I lost weight anyway. 

But now I'm home. And my body is older and i have put on additional weight which is affecting my health and makes me feel even older. I don't want to list the ways because I am cautious of falling into the narrative of Before = fat, miserable, unhappy, life has no meaning. After = thin and happy and all life's dreams come true. I don't want to perpetuate that. However. 

However, in addition to normal putting on weight, I've also had foot surgery and have not been able to walk for almost two month. The past couple of weeks, i've managed to walk some in a boot but not as much or my foot and my back hurt and that's a whole thing. I know this is temporary but I also know I want more. I want better for myself. 

I don't like dieting. I've been around this particular block to know that dieting doesn't work, not really. Unless you constantly stay on that diet. And constantly obsess about food. I already obsess about food. It's already my problem. I started reading the F@ck It Diet, but while it's probably the best thing, the book tells you to eat whatever you want until you no longer are worried about food deprivation. I'm sure there's more to that. I think i already eat what I want and I'm not any less obsessed with food. 

I've derided the diet industry because that's what it is, a billion dollar industry marketed to take your insecurities and most women's tendency to beat themselves up to make January diet and gym month! It's where they make a LOT of their money. I mentioned this to Dad when the first nutri-system commercial was spotted and since then we've both been amazed at the aggressive marketing scheme. I think it's patriarchal to make women obsessed with their bodies and looks. Think what women could achieve if we spent that energy somewhere else like community leadership and addressing child poverty or reforming an inequitable justice system that continues to oppress a whole demographic. I like quotes on the internet that read "I don't have time to worry about the size of my thighs, I've got shit to do."  Thank God in Her heaven for Lizzo and Ashley Graham and other plus size women being visible. It helped me believe oh I can be both plus sized and amazing. 

But now I have to go on a diet. For my health. And I have no illusions, if I lose weight to improve my health I'll still weigh more than many people will think i should. I won't ever get skinny. I want to be fit and strong and exercise will be my favorite part of that process. But right now, with limited mobility, I have to address food. WHich sucks. And it will feel like i'm punishing myself. And it will feel like I'm agreeing with all the messaging I've ever gotten that I am worthless unless I'm beautiful and I cannot be beautiful unless I'm thin. 

I know that's black and white thinking. This or that. And nothing in life is this or that. Most things are nuanced and complex and complicated. Ideally, I should have some therapy about this but who has the money for that? Instead I'm going to putting myself on the diet starting next week. And if it works I'll be mad because I'll feel physically better and people will treat me better and people will think that losing weight is the greatest achievement of my life. And I will hate them when they say that because I have other achievements. And if it doesn't work I will feel worse because I'll be very fat and very sad and feel terrible and people will make me invisible because that's what we do with fat people. And again there's that black or white thinking. 

My successful goals are me running toward my best and truest version of myself. A diet feels like running from my most shameful parts of myself. I don't like it. But it has to be done.