When you lose something you can't replace.
The singer, Adele, says that even if she tells someone whats she's feeling, it stays inside her. But if she goes and writes a song and sings it out of her, she can let it go and move on. Maybe that's what I'm trying to do here.
I get it. No one wants to hear you complain. So this won't be complaining. There isn't much to complain about. I have everything I need. A heap of blessings have been piled on my back. And yet. Yet. If I am accurately documenting the entire experience, then this has to be part of the return. For honesty's sake, the bad -- no not the bad. The Sad. With a capital S. The Sad has to be part of it as well.
There's a deep and pervasive sadness that has been growing in me over the past weeks and months. It grips my heart, tightens my throat and fills my eyes with water. Sometimes without warning. At first, I thought I recognized this type of pain. Heartbreak. It made sense. I was longing for something that couldn't be and the pain of it was so real that sometimes it was hard to breathe. I've been lucky; I've only had my heart good and broken a couple times. And this definitely had some of the same markers. And I've been listening to a lot of break-up music which verified my feelings: Adele, Sara Bareilles, Death Cab, The Frames, Bell X1, The Script. The Script has a song called "Exit Wounds" where they compare a break-up to the feeling of being shot. I had that one on repeat for awhile.
But now, I don't think it's a broken heart. Well, not just a broken heart. I think this is grief. I'm not constantly depressed. Most of the time, I can laugh and have a good time with people. I go to work, I run errands, so I'm not paralyzed by depression. But when I'm still.... Grief comes in waves, they say. You're doing fine and then a song, a picture, a scent, a memory, an expression of missing something or someone and WHAM! you're capsized by a sense of loss. Of something being gone that should be there and suddenly nothing will be all right again. The Brazilians have a word for deeply missing someone. Saudades. They have a different word for lacking or being without. Of missing something that should be there. Faltar. It's the verb used in the 23rd Psalm. "The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want." In Portuguese, "O Senhor é o meu Pastor. Não me faltará." I will lack nothing. Nothing will be missing from me. Nothing will be gone that should be here.
This year, 2011, is ending, and with it everything in this year. All my experiences and trips and things I did, all of that is gone. I've been trying to hold on to it so tightly because, I'm not sure who I am without it. I don't know if I have anything without it. But it's gone. And I'm grieving that. And true, my life here in Nashville isn't what I thought it would be. It isn't the life I had in Los Angeles, certainly not in Brasil. Right now, it feels like the only things to do are eat and be cold. But, maybe life right now isn't even what life here is going to be like. And isn't part of grieving, not only longing for something you had, but learning how to move on into something new?
With a broken heart, you have to get over it yourself. But with grieving, you can only weather it. It's a season. The loss remains with you in many ways, but grief, eventually, will ebb away. The waves will get smaller and smaller. Sorrow lasts for the night. But joy comes...........
I get it. No one wants to hear you complain. So this won't be complaining. There isn't much to complain about. I have everything I need. A heap of blessings have been piled on my back. And yet. Yet. If I am accurately documenting the entire experience, then this has to be part of the return. For honesty's sake, the bad -- no not the bad. The Sad. With a capital S. The Sad has to be part of it as well.
There's a deep and pervasive sadness that has been growing in me over the past weeks and months. It grips my heart, tightens my throat and fills my eyes with water. Sometimes without warning. At first, I thought I recognized this type of pain. Heartbreak. It made sense. I was longing for something that couldn't be and the pain of it was so real that sometimes it was hard to breathe. I've been lucky; I've only had my heart good and broken a couple times. And this definitely had some of the same markers. And I've been listening to a lot of break-up music which verified my feelings: Adele, Sara Bareilles, Death Cab, The Frames, Bell X1, The Script. The Script has a song called "Exit Wounds" where they compare a break-up to the feeling of being shot. I had that one on repeat for awhile.
But now, I don't think it's a broken heart. Well, not just a broken heart. I think this is grief. I'm not constantly depressed. Most of the time, I can laugh and have a good time with people. I go to work, I run errands, so I'm not paralyzed by depression. But when I'm still.... Grief comes in waves, they say. You're doing fine and then a song, a picture, a scent, a memory, an expression of missing something or someone and WHAM! you're capsized by a sense of loss. Of something being gone that should be there and suddenly nothing will be all right again. The Brazilians have a word for deeply missing someone. Saudades. They have a different word for lacking or being without. Of missing something that should be there. Faltar. It's the verb used in the 23rd Psalm. "The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want." In Portuguese, "O Senhor é o meu Pastor. Não me faltará." I will lack nothing. Nothing will be missing from me. Nothing will be gone that should be here.
This year, 2011, is ending, and with it everything in this year. All my experiences and trips and things I did, all of that is gone. I've been trying to hold on to it so tightly because, I'm not sure who I am without it. I don't know if I have anything without it. But it's gone. And I'm grieving that. And true, my life here in Nashville isn't what I thought it would be. It isn't the life I had in Los Angeles, certainly not in Brasil. Right now, it feels like the only things to do are eat and be cold. But, maybe life right now isn't even what life here is going to be like. And isn't part of grieving, not only longing for something you had, but learning how to move on into something new?
With a broken heart, you have to get over it yourself. But with grieving, you can only weather it. It's a season. The loss remains with you in many ways, but grief, eventually, will ebb away. The waves will get smaller and smaller. Sorrow lasts for the night. But joy comes...........
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