Fat Guy in a Little Coat

God bless Chris Farley. I heard one time that when David Spade and Chris Farley were still on SNL, Chris would go into David's dressing room and do that bit.

The thing about being changed is that you don't know how different you are until you get back to where you started. Initially, I had the opposite problem from the video. When I got back to Nashville and started pulling out my boxes of winter clothes, they were all too big (thank you, six months of sweating). An old pair of pants were physical evidence that I was once one way and today I am different.

Reverse culture shock, at least for me, has been those other reminders that things are different. Or actually I'm different. Yesterday, I got overwhelmed with trying to park in a large complex of shops and restaurants. I barely figured that out and got to where I was supposed to be.  Then I was  overwhelmed trying to order a hamburger and fries. I'm not back up to full processing speed, I guess. And, maybe, my head was somewhere else as well.

Being back in LA has been great! I love Southern California and to see people so close to my heart and laugh and visit old stomping grounds, as though I never left, has been wonderful. But it's not the exact same. Of course it's not. I'm different for what I've experienced.  I just didn't realize how much I took for granted having a place in the world where I fit.

I loved Manaus, but even though I had great friendships and experiences and established some routines and a life there, obviously it never completely fit. I was a foreigner who was visiting. There was a lot of cultural stuff I didn't know and lots of the language I didn't know. But that was to be expected. It's part of living cross-culturally. And it made me appreciate how free and comfortable and wonderful being in your own culture can be. You know all the songs and the jokes and the roads and everything.

Nashville isn't a perfect fit either. I've only visited for a few weeks at a time over the last 10 years. I no longer know how to get around those streets as well as I once did. I have to get to know my friends all over again. And there's some cultural things about the south that I no longer adhere to because of living in California.

And now Los Angeles isn't the jacket that fits me anymore. I don't want to list the reasons why here, because I think it could get misinterpreted that I'm bashing on the city. The city is the same. It is what it's always been and it's what I enjoyed it being for a long time. Only, now those things are less satisfying than they once were. There's a new disconnect, a new distance between me and the life I had here. Like a jacket that is just a bit too small or pants that are now too big.

The hard thing now is .... where do I fit?

I know that sounds sad, but down deep it's not. It means it worked. It means I'm changed. I hope I would be changed after my experiences. Also, if I don't fit here, it just gets me back out onto the mission field that much quicker. Didn't I once have a post about being too comfortable? Perspective. You're welcome. This sounds churchy I know, but I fit with Jesus. And that's enough. The rest is just a therapy session.

Update: I was at the Getty Center yesterday and bought a coffee at one of the snack carts. 
Barrista: And you're Getty Staff right? 
Me: No. (off his look) OH! Uhm, yes, clearly! if they, I mean, we receive coffee discounts. (innocent smile)
Barrista: (smiling) I already gave it to you. You look like you belong here. 
So maybe I just need to move into the Getty Center. They already have that furniture exhibit. I wouldn't need to go to Ikea.