James 1 or "Cranky Pants"
I've been back at work in the church office since returning to Manaus from America. And I've just come through a slight - correction, significant - Cranky Pants phase. Everything annoyed me. The bus, the work, every minor inconvenience, the language, everything. It got so bad one day this past week that Cindy covered for me while I took off early. See during an earlier Cranky Pants phase I had discovered the key to my happiness: be on the boat. If I cant be on the boat, go for long walks every day and spend as little time in the apartment as possible. Well I had not been walking lately and I had been lazily hanging out at home watching movies in the evening. So the other day I left and walked. I walked to the mall then all through the mall. Then caught the bus home and then took off again and walked all over downtown I started out at a furious pace, being in fact furious. I navigated people and streets and cars, all the while my iPod played the quick-paced alternative rock. I was angry and emo and international! Finally, after an hour and a half, my clothes drenched with sweat, I arrived back at the Amazon Theater and São Sebastien Square. I bought three small bottles of water and sat at a cafe table. And just sat. I gulped the first bottle down and half the second. Then I started sipping and watching. And the thoughts in my head were calmer and quieter. For twenty minutes or so, as the light in the sky faded and the street lights came on, I just continued to sit. When I finished the third bottle of water, I got up, twisting and stretching and headed to the bus stop. I decided to go to the movies and get out of my own head for awhile.
On the bus, I thought about how bratty I am. I have nothing to complain about and yet I was completely bent out of shape. How can I, having experienced all that these two months have provided, still be so....selfish and immature. I thought by now I would be transfigured into the calm quiet demeanor of someone who radiates peace and trust and love. Why wasn't I changed? Then another thought caught me. I thought about a couple people I've met and know who have lived abroad for any length of time and how, if they didn't tell you this fact, you wouldn't know it. They are so normal. And I got kinda bummed. Is my life going to go back to normal like this never happened? I mean, I wanted to be changed! I do want to be changed!
If you've never had the sensation of God rolling his eyes at you, then you've obviously never said asinine pretentious things to your own Creator. Because he most certainly did roll his eyes at me and a voice said inside my head, "You don't want to be changed. You LIKE who you are just fine. You want to be SPECIAL." ......... And it's true. When I think of myself after Brazil, I picture people amazed at my wisdom and ethereal manor, my contentment with a simplistic lifestyle and my ethnic bohemian charm. The voice continued, "You don't want to be broken, humbled, dependent." That's when my inner GOB (Pronounced Job, like the bible) Bluth responds "Of course not! Who would want that? That's insane! Amiright? Up top!" But I don't think that's how it works. I mean it could work that way. But then what would I be resisting or ignoring or tossing aside, because it doesn't fit into MY vision for myself? And I should definitely keep in mind that God has a habit of using adversity and struggle to affect needed change in our lives. Which is maybe why we should consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when we face trials of many kinds because the testing of our faith produces perseverance. It's at this point that I could just copy and paste the rest of James 1 here. But I think you get the idea.
On the bus, I thought about how bratty I am. I have nothing to complain about and yet I was completely bent out of shape. How can I, having experienced all that these two months have provided, still be so....selfish and immature. I thought by now I would be transfigured into the calm quiet demeanor of someone who radiates peace and trust and love. Why wasn't I changed? Then another thought caught me. I thought about a couple people I've met and know who have lived abroad for any length of time and how, if they didn't tell you this fact, you wouldn't know it. They are so normal. And I got kinda bummed. Is my life going to go back to normal like this never happened? I mean, I wanted to be changed! I do want to be changed!
If you've never had the sensation of God rolling his eyes at you, then you've obviously never said asinine pretentious things to your own Creator. Because he most certainly did roll his eyes at me and a voice said inside my head, "You don't want to be changed. You LIKE who you are just fine. You want to be SPECIAL." ......... And it's true. When I think of myself after Brazil, I picture people amazed at my wisdom and ethereal manor, my contentment with a simplistic lifestyle and my ethnic bohemian charm. The voice continued, "You don't want to be broken, humbled, dependent." That's when my inner GOB (Pronounced Job, like the bible) Bluth responds "Of course not! Who would want that? That's insane! Amiright? Up top!" But I don't think that's how it works. I mean it could work that way. But then what would I be resisting or ignoring or tossing aside, because it doesn't fit into MY vision for myself? And I should definitely keep in mind that God has a habit of using adversity and struggle to affect needed change in our lives. Which is maybe why we should consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when we face trials of many kinds because the testing of our faith produces perseverance. It's at this point that I could just copy and paste the rest of James 1 here. But I think you get the idea.
You've hit it on the head, Cor. I've had that same conversation with God
ReplyDelete(eye rolling included) and I still have to have it every few months or so. I'm telling ya, His eyes are gonna get stuck like that one of these days.