Conversations with Mimi

I'm currently cat sitting for Mimi, a large black and white fur generating machine. I love cats and love to pet them and hear them purr. And deep down, maybe not even that deep, I love Mimi. However, I don't think she loves me in return. The following are snippets of our conversations yesterday. 


Yesterday Morning Before I Left For Work: 
ME: Ok, Mimi, are you sure you don't want to go out-- WHAT IS THAT?!
MIMI: What does it look like?
ME: It's looks like poop on the carpet!
MIMI: Well, I guess you're not entirely an imbecile then, are you?
ME: Why would you do that?! Because I didn't take you out already?! You showed NO interest in the door, so I figured you got it through your cat-brain that it was friggin' cold outside. OH! And! By the way, you have a LITTER BOX maybe fifty feet to your north.
MIMI: Yes, but if I had used the litter box, we wouldn't be having this teachable moment right now.
ME: This what?!
MIMI: Listen! Hired Human, you are to anticipate my needs before I express them or am even aware of them myself. When you do not, I am not subtle about my displeasure.
ME: Oh god! This smells so bad!
MIMI: Silence slave.

She doesn't like to make eye contact. Unless she's giving me The Glare. 

Last Night Arriving Home:
ME: ok, Mimi. Where is it? I know you left me something. I know you did something somewhere.
MIMI: How dare you accuse me of something so vulgar!
ME: really nothing? That's amazing.
MIMI: *sigh* It's not amazing to have control of one's cat-ness.
ME: Really? I'm not the one that can't find my bathroom, Mimi.
MIMI: You shall rue the day.


Later That Night Watching TV:
ME: This is nice, Mimi. Isn't this nice? Cuddling together watching TV? Thanks for helping put our differences aside. I'm so glad we can be friends.
MIMI: Friends?! oh yes. Uh, of course! Friends. Get that spot right below my ear.
ME: Oh of course! See? You're purring! We love each other. Man you have a lot of hair. That's staying all over my sweatshirt. But that's ok! I don't need to breathe for the rest of the night. The most important thing is you trust me and love me and I love you. We're bonding.
MIMI: Shut up, this is the good part.

Even Later While Brushing My Teeth:
(Standing in front of the sink the carpet feels wet beneath my foot)
ME: Did I spill something -- MIMI!!! YOU PEED IN MY BATHROOM!!!!
MIMI: (absentmindedly) Oh did I?
ME: Why did you pee in my bathroom?! I have let you go outside like literally six times tonight. You cry that weird baby-sounding cry you do, you don't even sound like a cat, And I get up and let you out. You spend a few minutes out there, then it suddenly strikes you that it's friggin' cold and you come begging to be let back in!! WHY THE NEED TO PEE IN MY BATHROOM?
MIMI: How dare you question my choices, Hired Human! I do as I please.
ME: It's right where I stand at the sink!
MIMI: (absentmindedly) Oh is it?

Late Late at Night while I'm in Bed:
(feel her jump onto the bed; open eyes to see her staring down at me)
ME: What are you doing.
MIMI: Are you awake?
ME: Trying not to be.
MIMI: You're not done petting me yet.
ME: Beg to differ. My arm has no more energy.
MIMI: You're not done petting me yet.
ME: You peed in my bathroom.
MIMI: *sigh* How long are you going to stay mad about that? ..........Hired Human. Hey! Hired Human! Look I'll just duck my head under your palm and your fingers can get that spot under my chin.
ME: You peed in my bathroom.
MIMI: Fine. I'll just lay on your face.
ME: Grr. Oh look. My fingers have some energy left.
MIMI: Your insolence is appalling. *Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*